Where was I?

Not blogging, obviously.

Quickly though... I came across a question of my own authenticity with this blog and felt it unfair to continue until I figured it out. Have I figured it out? No, not exactly... but I am a work in progress and with that I felt like writing for a bit tonight. 

If you are my Facebook friend, you probably know I was questioning my own sanity when deciding to get rid of EVERYTHING my ex and I had together. Some background... I have not seen or spoken to this man in YEARS. Like 5 years. Things I got rid of include a dresser, a couch, two chairs, a couple end tables. Which brings my current furnishings to a bed, one small dresser, a couple bookshelves, a dining table and chairs, a coffee table and an end table. And my desk and office chair. In this world of material overload, I was a little worried that I would freak out a little by not having all the "usual" stuff in my house. Like a living room. I mean, I still have the room, just not the usual furniture. I currently use my living room to practice yoga. Anyway, I digress. After getting rid of said furniture, I have a continued desire to purge my living space, and life, of excess crap. I deleted over 700 pictures off my phone. It's almost like I'm getting ready to move without the actual plans being in place to move. Hmmm... Anyway, it is something that needs to be done regardless. I have a lot to go through. I have a lot to purge. This may be known as the great Spring purge of 2014. Only by clearing out the old energy can new things come in to your life. I'm sick and tired of the stories I tell myself that do not serve me. And as I purge these things that I have attachments to, I purge these stories so that there is room for new stories. Better stories. The kind that DO serve me. The kind that propel me forward in my life instead of holding me back. It may be painful for awhile... but only by squeezing out of a cocoon can a caterpillar become a butterfly. 

I'll do a recap of the last two months of all yoga-related adventures in a few days... 

Namaste loves.

Saturday morning dharma-piphany

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi

Not just romantic love, all love... friends, family, fellow man. What barriers do you have within yourself against love? Are they restricted to certain people? 

Epiphany: Total unconditional love and acceptance = no expectations. 

I've seen this with multiple friendships. Do I totally unconditionally love people because I have no expectations or do I have no expectations because I totally unconditionally love them? It's like the old chicken vs egg question... in terms of total unconditional acceptance and non-expectation, I think they happen at the same time. The acceptance removes expectations and the lack of expectation invites acceptance.  

I have found an incredible amount of acceptance within the community at the studio I go to and I think it is because this particular studio draws people who can leave their egos at the door and just be raw and authentic in themselves. The feeling of coming home and being accepted by a community of people I don't necessarily know is incredibly liberating. Almost an addictive feeling. Which may be why some days I go for one class and then just hang out for a while. Just being in that energy is fantastic. They don't care if I can touch my toes in Standing Forward Bend or whether I can kick up to a Handstand. They don't care about my past. They are happy to be in the present and enjoy it as much as possible because the future is uncertain. It is a beautiful thing to be apart of . 

These realizations and feeling the truth in them down to my bones is starting to carry over from my yoga practice to other areas of my life. Feelings of authenticity and love and acceptance are not left on my mat... they follow me out of the studio. And my ego gets left somewhere in the past as a result. Things that no longer serve me fall into the abyss between my yoga practice and life. In times of distress, I return to my breath and realize how blessed I am. Faith is found in taking baby steps and giant leaps. It is found in the knowledge that in acceptance, answers can be revealed. Everything is far more connected than we realize. 

Namaste my loves. 

I found this while looking for a cool picture to show everything is connected. Everything is definitely connected in love. 

Day 61... How intense is too intense?

So I had it on my calendar to go to a Vinyasa class this morning and, while I think it would have been a good class, I have done A LOT of Vinyasa classes in the last month or so and I mean A LOT. Plus I wanted to see my nephew... so I decided to take a Yin class in the afternoon. I am so glad I did. I got baby time and took a much needed, less intense class. 

After class I started thinking about the challenge that just finished up (30 classes in 45 days)... and the intensity with which I approached it (I did WAY more than 30... like 40 more than 30). Approached may not be the right word because I actually attacked that challenge with the fervor of a starving person at an all-you-can-eat banquet. And the classes I took reflected that... Lots of Outlaw, lots of Vinyasa, some Kind Hot, a few Restorative, a couple Nidra, one Yin and one Hatha. Intense classes for an intense challenge. 

How you do one thing is how you do everything... so you would think that the lack of inhibition I showed during this challenge might cross over into other parts of my life. No, not so much. In fact, I think I have been using yoga as an avoidance tactic. Like "oh, I'm having a bad day... I don't feel like doing anything so I'll go to yoga because it will make me more present and I'll feel better and then I can get my work done." Right... That didn't work nearly as well as I thought it would. Part of yoga is finding balance and that has not been carried over from the mat just yet. There has actually been very little balance in my life lately. So now that the challenge is over... I'm going to start cultivating a BALANCED yoga practice. Do as much of the less intense classes as I do the more intense classes. Actually, next week may be mostly less intense classes to give my body a good chance to recover. One thing I have gotten good at is listening to my body... and it has been requesting that I take it down a notch or two. Sometimes the bold choice is to step back and dial down. I don't have anything to prove to anyone. My responsibility is to take care of myself. And it is my yoga practice, not someone else's. So that is what the next week of yoga will be focused on... taking care of myself and having the courage to dial back when I need to. 

Namaste. 

More of this... 

Less of this. 

Day 48... Morning Outlaw and Afternoon VInyasa

I say this all the time but I really LOVE my 7 am Monday morning Outlaw class. There is no better way to start the week. This morning we talked about our talents. What talents do we have? What have we done to cultivate them? I mentioned drawing and cooking, although I don't do much of either these days. I guess yoga could also be one since I am working on cultivating that currently. I did take it a little easier this morning, not just because I only got 5 hours of sleep last night but also because I was reminded that I need to take care of my body since I am working it pretty hard. I need to be nice to myself. Not push too hard... when I do that, I get hurt. And then I get cranky because I can't do the things I love. My Handstand and Crow are getting stronger. I also pulled off a decent Side Crow after class. My Wheel felt pretty good too. 

I'm somewhat amazed at the improvement in my flexibility. I suppose I shouldn't be that surprised. I mean, I am working on it at least one hour a day. But to be able to regularly grab my big toes in Standing Forward Bend is pretty awesome considering I used to happy to just barely touch them. And grabbing my feet in Seated Forward Bend is cool too, considering my shins used to feel so far away.

I also took an afternoon Vinyasa class with Jill. I really like her style. We definitely did some different, challenging poses today. I almost got in to Hurdlers Pose and almost did Mermaid on one side. After class, I tried kicking up to Handstand at the wall... Almost made that and one leg is definitely stronger. She prefaced the class with the fact that there would be some challenging poses but that they would be fun. So my intention for class ended up being "Challenge Accepted" and I made a point to challenge myself. Not to push myself too far or anything... just to accept the challenge to try things that maybe I normally wouldn't try. If they felt uncomfortable or I had a hard time breathing, I backed off. Because there was still that acceptance part of my intention. I accepted the challenge to the greatest extent of my ability and comfort. I like that she reminds us to breath. And that she goes through all the different variations of a pose from easiest to hardest. I had a good Final Savasana too. Not as good as last time, but good nonetheless. She made a comment about my dedication to the practice... not just her class but to yoga in general. I appreciated the acknowledgment. It is always nice to be recognized. She makes a point of recognizing people by name in class as well, especially when they are doing well. I like that about her classes. 

I'm planning a Forrest 2 class tomorrow morning and a Nidra class tomorrow night. I'm really interested to see what Forrest is like since one of my friends really really likes it. And Nidra is just needed this week. I'm hoping it will get me super focused. 

Oh look... I actually finished a blog post on the day it happened... Don't get too excited. We'll see how much of this can continue this week. 

Namaste, lovelies.

Day 41... Morning Outlaw and Yin... Thru Day 47

Day 41...
Outlaw @ 7 am. Be present. Be mindful. Instead of resistance, practice surrender. Not giving up... surrender. The push and pull of the world and situations and relationships. If you are pushing too hard, the world will push back. Let it go, surrender and then come back to it. You are enough. 

This project is a ... project. A very big project. And I obviously am not able to blog every day so I write little notes to myself to remind me of whatever happened. Monday morning Outlaw is quickly becoming one of my favorites. The instructor is AWESOME. Total biker dude who teaches yoga. And he has SO MUCH ENERGY at 7 am, it can be a little frightening. I love it though. I really really do. Getting exposed to that kind of energy early on Monday morning is part of why it is so awesome. He talked a lot about when we try to force situations to work or happen a certain way and then the world just pushes back and sometimes we just need to back off, step away and then come back to it. Totally usual, high-energy class that left me feeling ready to take on the day!

Yin to Outlaw Yang

Don't resist. Don't insist.

I also tried Yin later on Monday. Totally opposite types of classes. Like COMPLETE opposite. Yin is slower and you hold the poses longer. Like a step or two above Restorative. One of the things the teacher kept saying was "Don't resist, don't insist". Apparently, I needed to hear more about resistance on Monday... And surrender. I started thinking about surrender. And I think a lot of people associate surrender with giving up. And I don't believe that. Giving up is quitting completely. Surrender... Sweet surrender... is different. It is releasing control, letting someone or something else handle things for a bit and having a bit of faith, until you are ready to get back to it. Surrender has a lot to do with acceptance as well. In the body, it is identifying what is tight and sore and perhaps surrendering to an easier variation. In the mind, it is identifying the emotions, the feelings, and just feeling them for a little bit before moving on if those feelings do not serve you. Or deepening the emotion if it does serve you. Embracing it tighter. Having faith that a situation will turn out for the best. 

Day 42... Hatha in the morning, Outlaw at night, L-Handstand practice at home. 

Outlaw... be mindful of procrastination. The vision is getting clearer and clearer and more and more possible. 

I was not really a fan of the Hatha class I took. Just wasn't feeling it for some reason. In the afternoon, I practiced a couple L-Handstands at home. On my couch. It is helping me get more and more comfortable with my shoulders being over my hands. 

In Outlaw, the theme was procrastination. Something I am very familiar with. The lesson, the challenge, was to be more mindful of when you are doing it. Maybe figuring out why. And then doing the thing you are procrastinating. Oh, and one of my friends came to try it with me! She does a lot of yoga but it was fun to do it together. She liked it. I hope she'll come some more. 

Also, I shared my vision with two of the teachers. About opening my own studio and teaching to underprivileged kids and women's shelters. And one thing led to the next and I learned about a 7 day intensive Level 1 Outlaw training in Iowa in May. So yea... I'm doing that. Totally committed. Like non-refundable deposit committed. And I am really REALLY EXCITED. So yes, my vision is getting clearer and clearer and things are lining up. 
Day 43... Vinyasa... Yoga is the cultivation of a heightened sense of self observation (self awareness)

Part 2... Everything is connected. Love is energy. 

Wednesday is one of my favorite yoga days. I get to start it with my favorite teacher. And I ended up ending the day with one of his classes as well. And I found out that he may officially take over the Monday/Wednesday evening classes. Which made me very happy. But anyway, his mantra for the morning was that yoga is the cultivation of a heightened sense of self observation. Which I really loved and connected with. Self observation is awesome. And really important to a happy life. And I sometimes switched it to self awareness. Regardless, there is no analysis in either of those states. Simply observation. Simply awareness. What you do with it is up to you but too much analysis on why you feel one way or another can be detrimental to your mental well being. At least that is what I am finding. The amount of presence I am experiencing lately has been really good. And interesting. I find myself having thoughts, sometimes negative and sometimes positive and being able to pause and figure out whether they are serving me or not. If they are, I celebrate them! If they are not, I create a new thought that is positive and celebrate that!

The Wednesday night mantra was that everything is connected. We concluded the class with a really interesting recording about Yosemite National Park. It started with how there were issues with the earth (like erosion and such) because the deer population was getting to be too big but then some wolves moved into the area and everything changed. Erosion stopped, more animals moved into the area, foliage grew more freely and rivers flowed. It was really an amazing thing to listen to and reinforced that everything is in fact connected. 

Also, I watched one of the girls kick up to a handstand for like a second, which was awesome! We also had more of a community class... Like we held hands while doing balancing poses such as Tree Pose. It was interesting. I really enjoy the focus on community at most of the classes I go to. One of the main reasons I keep going is the community feeling actually... working from home has made me somewhat more reclusive even though I feel like I am talking to people all the time, most of the time it is on the phone or through Facebook. 

Day 44... Kind HOT - Mindfulness, Time Article; Outlaw... Valentine's Day is what you make it. It can be a day devoted to self-love or self-pity. Or it can just be another day. So so grateful. You are enough. You are strong enough. Beautiful enough. Happy enough. 

Thursday evening Kind Hot was all about mindfulness and a recent Time article that discusses the subject of being mindful in our crazy, stressed world (Can be found here). The beginning of the article talks about eating a raisin, but eating it mindfully. Apparently there is something called Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR). I think it could be called yoga, but that is just my opinion. Psychology Today defines Mindfulness as "a state of active, open attention on the present. When you're mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience." Well said, PT, well said. 

Following Kind Hot was Outlaw. And it was one of the best yet. Not only because I put down my deposit for Level 1 Teacher training in May but also because she spoke about a lot of the issues that people have with Valentine's Day and that there are about 3 different ways to take it. You can ignore it and act like it is just another day. You can wallow in self-pity because you're single (or if your significant other didn't do what you wanted them to). Or you can celebrate in self-love. Which is what I decided I wanted to do. So I decided to do three yoga classes on Valentine's Day. Epitome of self-love. Some feelings started to come up in Final Savasana as well. Today it was gratitude. I have actually been overcome with immense gratitude a couple times lately. And it is one of the best feelings in the world. I even posted about being in absolute LOVE with the Universe. Which is definitely still true. I love the Universe. 

Also, Justin, the co-founder of Outlaw, was in class and it was really awesome to see how excited he was for me to join teacher training. Excited and supportive of what I want to do with it. Just a great feeling. It was kind of funny realizing that I am becoming the person I have always wanted to be. I remember thinking earlier today or this week something along the lines of "who told you that you are not cool enough to be a yoga teacher, to reach that upper echelon of awesome that surrounds yoga teachers in your mind? Who told you that you can't be the best yogini that you can be?" And I felt something start to change. That feeling that I am enough. I am cool enough. I am strong enough. I am brave enough. I am bold enough. I am liked and loved enough. I have enough of what I need to do all the things that I want to do. I'm curious to see what comes up for me during teacher training since I have done so much personal development lately. 

Day 45... Kind HOT Music - Self-love
Vinyasa - Self love
Vinyasa - The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. It's not caring, not feeling so love is feeling. The ability to feel.

Oh Valentine's Day... Three classes... done. Lots of talk about love. LOTS. And I was good for the first two classes. I was actually good for all three but something happened after the third. A release of emotion as I was rolling up my mat. I'm just grateful I was the only one in the studio and everyone else was in the lobby. I am still unsure what emotion it was exactly... sadness or loneliness maybe. A bit of missing lost loved ones. Regardless, it took me a good 5 - 10 minutes to get my mat rolled up and pull myself together. Emotions are not meant to be controlled. They are meant to be experienced. It is how we deal with many of the things that have happened in our lives. I just have to keep remembering that.

Ok, first class was Kind HOT Music. All about taking time for ourselves and self-love. We can't love anyone if we don't love ourselves first. It was a good class. I talked to the teacher a little after about doing three classes in one day and then I saw her at my noon class. 

The noon class was fun. We danced to Pharrell's "Happy" in the middle of class. There were a few Outlaws in class too so that was fun. More talk about self-love. I felt like that would be a common theme as many people see their time on their yoga mats as time for themselves so it was reinforcing that principle. It was fun and a little more crowded than I was expecting.

Friday evening... Vinyasa. Considering that some emotion started coming up the night before, I should have probably expected it to come up again. Especially after trying to be as strong as I was all day. I am not a fan of Valentine's day. And it has nothing to do with whether I am single or not. That's just how I am. I am trying to make it better but anyway... off on a tangent again. So back to yoga... It was good. All girls in class which somehow did not surprise me at all. We sat around and talked for awhile... it was a fun class. I'm not really sure where the emotion came from. But the mantra was basically that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. It's not caring. Therefore, love is caring, love is feeling. And feeling those emotions is a way of loving myself. Allowing myself to feel the emotions. And then to care for myself when they leave me feeling tired. 

Day 46... Outlaw - happiness; Vinyasa - Acceptance

I was not planning on doing back to back classes.... but it ended up that way. I had the opportunity and I took it. I even had a little break in between to try something from the little elixir bar in the studio finally. 

The theme in Outlaw was happiness. Having the courage to be happy and realizing that you have to be happy with where you are before you can get to where you want to go. It was an awesome class as usual. And Megan is amazing. She is a fantastic teacher and a beautiful soul. And I just adore her to pieces. And I am really excited to go to Iowa with her. 

In between class refreshment for the body and mind. The drink is called the Mind Collector and it was DELISH. 

I think the Mind Collector beverage that I had between classes helped a lot in my second class. So, despite my consistent yoga practice, I have not been able to calm my mind much in Final Savasana and get to that glorious place between being awake and being asleep. Except I was able to in Vinyasa after having this drink. Whether it was the drink or something else, I have no idea. But it was fantastic. I love Jill's classes because of the music she plays. It's usually stuff that I like and/or own and it makes for a more enjoyable flow when I can get into it. I also like how she challenges us to try new things. And to fall. Actually, a lot of the teachers are big supporters of falling... that is how we learn. We had to fall before we learned how to walk... how is yoga any different? She had us connect with a word at the beginning of class and the one that popped into my head was "acceptance". It didn't require much thought... it was just there like that. Acceptance of where I am right now, at that moment. Physically, mentally. Accepting what my body can and cannot do. Accepting the state of mind. And reminding myself that sometimes, it is acceptable to just be me. I don't always have to push. As long as I am me in my truest and purest form and I accept that, then I'll be fine. Her classes are usually in the middle of the day but I am going to try and make more of them. Hopefully get somewhat of a regular yoga schedule down. 

Day 47... Slow Burn Vinyasa - do the discipline. REACH for those dreams, those desires. Take the time to slow down a little. 

Final class of the week.... Slow burn Vinyasa. I wish I could record some of these classes. He always says things that I want to remember and usually forget shortly after class. Oh well... The slow burn style is getting easier. I still need to work on my breath but I'm getting there. I had a more difficult time keeping my eyes closed for the whole time but I will work on that as well. We had to redo some poses because we moved too quickly. Which was fine... it helps to have to go back and do the discipline of moving slowly. And while Final Savasana was not like it was the day before, it was better than it has been. I'm thinking of taking a Nidra class or two this coming week. We'll see how the week goes. 

Overall, a good week of yoga. Lots of practice. Lots of good tidbits. And some good advice and food for thought on my big vision. I have a few things to consider and meditate on. 

Namaste beautiful friends. 

Day 40... Rest....orative... I mean back to back classes.

Wait, what?

Restorative turned into two classes, back to back. What can I say... my fave teacher had a slow burn Vinyasa class right after restorative. I wanted to try the class anyway. I'm a sucker for a challenge even when I am cleansing. 

Ok, so in Restorative today, we did some partner yoga. It was fun. First it was simple like touching hands while laying in a supported pose. Then we did back-to-back twists where one hand was on our own knee and the other was on our partner's knee. Then we did a forward seated bend twist thing where we held hands behind our backs.... That is not a good description. Ok. Let's try that again. So we were sitting cross legged in front of each other. We put our right hand behind our back and grabbed our partner's right hand with our left hand. Then we bent forward until our forehead was on our right knee. Then we switched to the other side. Then we did a partner Child's Pose. So one person went into Child's Pose and the other basically laid on top of them, back to back. Then switched. Talk about a deep hip opener... it actually felt pretty good. Then we just did legs up the wall and final Savasana. Fun fact... the Restorative teacher has a great accent but she currently lives about 30 minutes from where I grew up. We also sang Happy Birthday to someone in the class. That was awesome. 

It was really awesome to do partner Restorative yoga. So often, it's all about one person, on their mat, by themselves. If another person gets too close to their bubble, they may get annoyed. One of the ironic things... or maybe people just need to practice yoga more. Actually, people need to practice LOVE more. I mean just real pure love. Not romantic love... that totally unconditional acceptance kind of love. 

Class 2... Slow burn Vinyasa. What makes it slow burn? Well, you move a lot slower because your breathing is different than a typical Vinyasa class. And the room was lit by candles only. And the challenge was to keep your eyes closed the whole time. Very interesting. Mentally tough. I think going to restorative before helped me be in the right mind frame to keep my eyes closed with the exception of occasionally checking my own alignment. I wasn't tempted to watch what everyone else was doing. I was inwardly focused on what I was doing. I still need to work on my breathing though. I would like to be able to take those big deep breaths while moving through the poses. I feel like my body knows the movements and then my brain gets in the way of the breathing. Other than that, it was a typical Vinyasa class. I'm trying to remember what some of the things he said were... It was different than his typical guidance. There was a lot about feeling the poses, feeling the edge of the mat, feeling your way to Warrior 2 to Reverse Warrior. Feeling your way to Crow and floating back to Plank (yep, I felt like I nailed that). Going through the motions slowly, feeling them with passion. With purpose. Lots of feeling. Also, I can just imagine what we all looked like in the candlelight. I bet it was beautiful. I really think yoga is one of the most beautiful things we can do. To see everyone moving through the flow... I bet it was really spectacular. Anyway...

Oh! I had an amazing vision today! So I have this vision of helping people heal themselves physically and financially with my business. And today, I thought beyond just becoming a yoga teacher. I thought about opening my own studio but making it free. Or teaching underprivileged children yoga. Or I could talk to some women's shelters about providing a free class a couple times a week. Just continuing on the line of helping people heal themselves physically... I mean, I feel like I have greatly improved my own health by making this commitment to yoga this year. The possibilities are endless. I mean really endless. 

Namaste, loves. 

Awkward is the new sexy... day 39

Note to self... do not do a yoga with class with some teachers on legs and core day. Legs will be non-functional tomorrow. 

Today's class was supposed to be Outlaw however the two main teachers are out so there was a sub. She was awesome. I have never taken one of her classes but I think I'm going to have to experience more with her. Literally one of the first things we did was an L-Handstand on the wall. Ironically, I had been thinking about trying this because of my inability to commit to Handstand; my thought was that maybe taking out the leg portion would help me get on top of my shoulders so I can improve. You will feel like you will fall... but you won't. Because your feet are on the wall. I almost got it today. The really important thing was that I experienced it. For a moment, I experienced a true L-Handstand and that feeling of being over my shoulders the way I need to be. And then my brain started freaking out, thinking I would fall. Now I realize that I cannot, I mean can not, fall in that pose. So that's going into the regular rotation of things I work on. The only way I can improve is to practice. That statement applies to so much more than just my yoga practice right now. 

The title of today's entry is actually her theme from last week. And one that I identify with really well. I'm becoming less socially awkward and I feel like it is a story I am telling myself. That I am this weird, awkwardly social (er... socially awkward) being. However I am also accepting myself more as I am every single damn day. Anyway, today's theme (or this week's theme for her) was really powerful. The word is Shame. Wow. Not what I was expecting at all. So many times I hear gratitude and presence and community... yada yada yada, happy happy joy joy. But Shame.... I was like whoa. It's just a dirty word. It brings up really negative thoughts for people because most people naturally go inward and start thinking about bad things they have done and are ashamed of. She compared it to pulling a bow taut and never letting the arrow fly. Feeling that tension and power but never releasing it. Whoa... again. So the whole class, she is making this analogy about pulling a bow taut and then releasing the arrow. Pull, release. Pull, release. Pull... Release. Just whoa... yet again. I always find myself working on stuff, mental emotional stuff, in yoga but very very rarely so openly. It was just amazing actually. It felt kind of weird, dirty, inappropriate at first. But at the end, I was like "whoa... I really let some things go." I have been really really happy and really really excited about life lately and I almost thought that this would bring me down. But what it actually did was brought to a calmer level of happy excited-ness. Like I am still ridiculously excited about where things are going right now in my life but I feel like I'll be able to sleep tonight. Or maybe I won't. We'll see. 

Amazing class. I am going to take another one of her classes. 

Namaste, friends. 

L-Handstand... Much better form than mine today. But my goal to go for.